A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
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